Dear Chrysler

Dear Chrysler:
Thank you for allowing me to beta test your “2007 PT Cruiser”. Though the car certainly seems polished, I have some questions that perhaps you can answer?
First, the cost. Is this car free to drive? Your sales associate kept talking about a $300 monthly fee over four years, or a $20,000 “lifetime” subscription. Although you have an excellent car, I think I would prefer the car if it cost nothing. And I am totally against microtransactions, so don’t give me the car and then “forget” the metallic paint job and chrome rims!
Second, the queues. It seems whatever city I try — Boston, New York, San Francisco — I end up waiting in a long queue if I try to drive in prime time. I would urge you to consider opening new premium roads for Chrysler cars. Otherwise, you should open up new cities and give people free transfers. These delays are unacceptable.
Third, I only use my car a small portion of the day. I spend, MAYBE, six hours a week in the car. That’s nearly $15/hour of drive time! Who makes that kind of money? Chinese consumers spend FAR less on their cars. If you’re going to go with a questionable choice of making me pay to drive, I shouldn’t have to pay when it’s sitting there, unused.
Fourth, I was driving the car, and looked into the back seat for a couple of minutes to fix my inventory. When I turned back, I noticed the car had crashed. Sloppy manufacturing. There’s no excuse for it in this day and age.
Fifth, PvP. While the car performed acceptably vs Mini Coopers, I found that SUVs and “18 Wheelers” had an insurmountable advantage. Why even offer PvP as an option if you didn’t even try to balance it?
Six, the quests. The quests are extremely repetitive — drive car to city, sit at crafting table for several hours, drive car from city, rest, and do it all over again. It feels like it takes a year to gain a level. I want more quest variety, and further, I want more experience. If all the ads that say “Life begins at 65” are true, it shouldn’t take me more than half a century to get there. A better leveling curve would have me at 65 in just a couple of months, perhaps by removing some of the grind? Everyone should be able to see the endgame.
Seven, consumables. The car seems to require gasoline, oil, windshield washer fluid and half a dozen other things. I am not a hardcore driver, I shouldn’t have to worry about farming consumables in order to drive. Doing so cuts into my limited drive-time, time better spent on quests.
Eight, it’s an AUTO, where’s the MAP? Automapping is BASIC. Come ON guys. There’s no excuse for this. I should be able to select a place on the map and travel there instantly. This might help eliminate queues as well. Having to rely on a third-party mod to supply this functionality is unacceptability.
Nine, where’s the customizable UI? I called my stepmother on my cell-phone and she asked me a question. First of all, I didn’t expect her to ask me a question because there was no glowing icon over her head. So I wasn’t prepared, and I needed to look up the answer but your lousy UI didn’t have the full quest walkthrough on the dashboard, so I had to choose a random selection and NOW I’m going to have to spend a week visiting relatives. Plus, the steering wheel seems locked on the left side of the car, and I would like some more wheels. Four may be enough for a beginner, but advanced drivers need eight to ten wheels for challenging terrain.
And Ten, I saw a driver pass me in an Aspen. I don’t see why casual drivers should have lesser cars than hardcore drivers, just because they have more money. Level playing field, Chrysler. Just because I have less time to drive doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be able to drive the most expensive cars.
There’s a lot of car companies out there, Chrysler. I see Kias and Hyundais all the time. If the Koreans can do it, there’s no reason you can’t.
Sincerely,
A Chrysler Beta Tester
Note: Spammers have hailed this as a great article about car buying!

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