EQ: The Quon explains your class to you

Back in 2003, The Quon was having trouble getting people to realize that their class was crap because they were not a cleric, the class around which Norrath revolved. And if they WERE a cleric, they were crap because they were not The Quon.
I can just imagine that The Quon is starting a Warrior Priest on some server *right now*.
If you wanted to group with The Quon, you better know your responsibilities to The Quon — and because he was JUST THAT GOOD, he wrote up a list of his expectations for his groupmates, by class…
—
The Quon teaches the classes to the masses.
As a part of The Quons ongoing mission to bring a deeper sense of understanding and shit to the peeps of Norrath, I’m dropping the first in a series of definitive class breakdowns.
Bards – Band geeks who’s natural defense involves a drum and blurry feet. Sounds like the wet dream of half of VI’s geek ass dev team. On the aesthetic tip, The Quon digs the female bard in a big way, not a dog race in the bunch. As a class though, they have one of the worst naming track records in the game. Seriously..Notes, Chords, Melody, and such shit. C’mon, if I see one more Bard with some name like Halfnote McSongandDance or Minstril St.PolkaSinger, The Quon’s gonna SL the whole class just on general principle. Not like that would matter much. When’s the last time anyone actually hunted with a Bard anyway? I catch Mana Song whiffs every now and then around the nexus or in the GY’s in PoP, but The Quon sure as shit never groups with one. I’m guessing there’s a Swarm Kiting zone out there where they follow each other around in a clockwise circle jerk for xp. Fun. But I miss them, if only cause I want to bust out my old hot key, “Play mana song and rub my feet.”
The Quon’s general heal strategy for Bards: Hit ’em with a Celestial periodically as a gesture of good will, and if they insist on selfishly requiring the MCs valuable mana I wait until they’re at 40% and i send them a /tell to “run!!”. Then I giggle my ass off.
Beastlords – The Quon can count with his nuts the number of times he’s grouped with these aberrations. But it seems like every fourth rez request is from one of these freaks who’s all like “I need your help”. If they pays, The Quon plays. Beastlords are another class dangerously close to mass Shit Listing based on having the most stupid names per capita. Petme SoftPuss, Catank, Tigerlily Growlinflower, WTF? The only way someone would invite a name like that to a group is if the group leaders were Seigfried and his man-toy Roy.
The Quon’s general heal strategy for Beastlords: After I rez one, Celestial usually does the trick. In group? Who the fuck knows?
Way more after the break 🙂

Druid – Nature luvin piss ants. If you really want to keep Norrath beautiful, bring along a shovel to pick up after my horse while you wait for someone to call EVAC. Druids are the exiled pimp class of the nation. Never has a class had it so good for so long. And never has a class taken the pipe so deep and so hard and deserved it so much as these assclowns did. Druids are so out of style now I half expect to see them sporting Mullets and Parachute pants. Hell, the only worthwhile port a Druid can do now is for himself, back to a time when his shitcan class was relevent and fun. And Druids…listen up. Don’t over-write The Quons buffs. Don’t try to drop your second rate CH in front of me. It’s just embarrassing. And more than a little sad. On a different note The Quon has a question. Why does it seem like droods can’t even wipe their asses unless Tunare tells them too…it’s always “By Tunares will this” and “By Tunares might that”. By Tunares mouth they toss The Quon’s salad… it’s all holy roleplaying until they’re gargling The Quon’s ‘SoW potion’ in the back alleys of Shadowhaven.
The Quon’s general heal strategy for Druids: None. Your heal’s the shizz? Then use it on yourself.
Enchanter – I suggest that SOE make chanters start out at level 60 with KEI already memmed in their spellbooks. Prior to lvl 60 your only duty is to wear a skirt and look pretty. Even after 60 there is no need for you to be in a group, just cast KEI on us and beat it, go make some earrings or sit in the corner and whine about being useless. Maybe if your nukes had more punch than a snowball in summer I’d let you group with me, or if your pet could find it’s own ass with a map and a ranger tracking for it. No shit, those animations should come with head gear and a Power Ranger backpack. Lastly, If you are a male and playing an enchanter delete that pansie ass toon right now, WTF were you thinking? All the Charisma points in the world won’t make me like these asshats.
The Quon’s general heal strategy for enchanters: None. It’s like trying to grab a piece of toilet paper as it’s swirling down the Crappa. If they can’t “bedazzle” their way out of trouble then pfuck ’em and their short bus pets.
Magicians – All Mage’s should line up in the hallways of Nexus like condom machines in a bathroom. To be truly useful to the Quon you will need to be able to summon the following: A Woodelf Honie with chest guns the size of West Karana, a stripper pole, a phat pile of dollar bills, and a case of Schlitz Malt Liquor Bull 40’s. The problem with these Mages is that The Quon has to ask for the shit. The instant The Quon joins a group with a Mage, he should be seeing a trade window with all the stuff that is of benefit to The Quon. Does the Quon look like a Mage to you? NO! How the phuck am I supposed to know what you have to offer? Show the Quon, dazzle him. Or else, just summon a spoon and eat the Quon’s ass.
The Quon’s general heal strategy for Magicians: Let’s be real, The Quon watches the little green bar under the Mage’s closer than he watches the Mage’s. Yo, if the pet would stick around after a Mage died the Quon wouldn’t even bother with a Rez.
Rangers – This one is just too easy, the Quon almost feels guilty rippin on Rangers. No matter what the Quon says about Rangers its been said before. No class has more emotional and physical scarring than the Ranger, the only choice is for The Quon to settle for picking open your scabs. Let’s get real, Ranagers are the only class that could save considerable play time by creating a /consent Hot Key. Rangers should get an AA ability that would automatically spawn their corpse at the groups camp, would save everyone some friggin time. The Quon does group with Rangers though from time to time cause its wicked funny when one of their stray arrows catches a Druid in the eye. It’s also funny to watch when it starts to rain or something and the Ranger loses HP’s. It’s like hunting with Bubble Boy. Female Ranger? Make yourself useful by foraging up a condom so the Quon can get his freak on, awwwww yeaaa. Male Ranger? Forage up a pair of pretty pink panties and put them on so it’s easier for the Warrior to find your corpse, cause you know you’ll get beat down too fast to get a /loc.
The Quon’s general heal strategy for Rangers: Open spellbook, look waaaaay in the back for Greater Heal. That’s all The Quon is willing to commit. Sometimes though, when The Quon has been getting his drink on, he’ll toss The Big Heal Bomb on a Ranger for shits and giggles. And while I do it I scream in both group and say, “Who’s a big boy?…Who’s a big boy???”. Sadly enough though, to get the Big Heal Bomb to land in time, The Quon has to start casting the night before.
Paladin – Self proclaimed “Holy Warriors” of EQ. First off, these 2nd class meat shields have the sweetest scam in the whole game short of the whole “Rez in my pocket” thing. Lay Hands is mad brilliant. “Hey, get your hands off my tits!” “Awww girl, I’ve gotta touch ya to heal ya.”
The problems start when they do that shit to everyone. Male, Female, Ranger, whatever. For that reason, if there was a big ass shower in EQ and we all had to clean off after fights like it was gym class and shit, The Quon sure as hell would have his soap on a motha phuckin rope around The Paladin. It’s all Truth, Honor, Integrity and shit until some young half elf exposes the Brown Eye, then its like a prison movie. Don’t be all like “But The Quon, I’m really not gay, you’re just looking a little under the weather, let me rub it better…” I swear to god if you ever inspect my equip, I’m gonna light your shit up, Yo. Oh, and if the shiat really hits the proverbial fan and The Quon looks like he may die, don’t even THINK about Lay On Hands for The Quon. You’ll just get a fist full of Divine Aura to grind up on.
The Quon’s healing strategy for Paladins: The Quon keeps these phucks alive, he just does it from a distance.
Rogue – The Quon has an uber Bracer of the Hidden just for See Invis cause these mutherphuckers will sneak up on you like a yeasty queef in the night. They’ll poke those tiny fingers up under your nose and shit and be all like “smell that”. The Quon don’t fall for that shit, he knows you stick your fingers up that Orc’s ass while you’re trying to pickpocket. And The Quon knows it ain’t no accident. When The Quon was younger and newer to the ways of EQ love, he hooked up with this Halfling Rogue chick. She was mad nutty and had hands like one of those little diaper wearing helper monkeys. We got to it and she was all over The Quon, talking nasty in that secret Thief language about some shit The Quon didn’t care about and sticking her fingers in every opening The Quon has. The Quon was hella turned on until she put her finger in his mouth. The Quon is dry heaving now thinking about. Plus it’s a motha phuckin fact that they don’t take care of their cha cha’s if you get The Quons meaning.
Any time a rogue is in The Quon’s group he send them a /tell right off, “Yo asspoker, if you want healed after you take a beatin because you can’t control your own aggro you best be splittin that Pickpocket money with The Quon, 50/50 biatch. That doesn’t include the DoT money you owe me either.” Respect.
The Quon also likes to dog them about their poisons. “So you dropped mad cash and farmed green mobs for weeks to hit that mob with a 300 hp dot? Whoops, The Quon accidentally cast Sound of Force…220 damage and a stun for next to no mana, whoops, just did it again.” Pwnd.
The Quon’s healing strategy for rogues: Evade motha phucka. If the rogue has forked over phat platz then they will get a celestial here and there as needed, if not they better have a piercer that summons bandaids and shit.
Shadowknight – Not quite a Warrior and not quite a Necro. More often than not The Quon gets to group with the one who’s gotten the Warriors brains and the Necros hp’s. WTF? Transvestites have less of an identity crisis. Don’t even try to play like you didn’t choose a SK because you thought it had a “cool” name.
Every time The Quon sees a SK he wants to bust a cap in their ass. SK’s should come in 12 packs cause they are about as useful as a busted condom once they’ve spent their HT load. The Quon could watch for the Harm Touch message and then be all like “NEXT!” and cycle those dozen candy asses through the group with mad haste. The 11 not in the group could entertain The Quon by /oocing words of amazement at eveything The Quon does…”Damn, The Quon can heal like a motha”…”Damn that’s some good sitting”, or making sure nothing is in The Quon’s way when he trains the zone out.
Did you know that Knights have pets ? /boggle. That gimped animation has to /kneel before enchanter pets. I guess SOE gave them pity pets cause they knew a SK would never get a group. Seriously, have you ever seen a SK that didn’t have LFG next to their name? For the longest time The Quon thought LFG was some kinda weird SK only guild. One of The Quon’s favorite games is inviting a SK to the group, especially when he is somewhere remote like Sebilis and shit. They ALWAYS come, tails waggin and shit. When they finally arrive I’m like “dude, sorry, The Quon thought you were a warrior.” After they calm down The Quon’s all like “Do you have 11 friends?”
The Quon’s healing strategy for ShadowKnights: If they fool The Quon and act like a Warrior they get The Big Heal Bomb. If at any time they do anything that clues The Quon in, it’s Celestials all freakin night.
Warrior – Charter members of The Purple Club. When The Quon dreams at night it’s mostly about Wood Elf bangtail, but every now and then, The Quon has a nice dream about a phat Barbarian Chick Warrior with chest guns like throwing boulders all walking like she’s got two Halflings grappling to the death in her kilt, cold rocking 7,500 solid HP’s and AC like The Quons SAT’s (All 1500 and shit…yeahhh),and more Taunt than my drunk uncle on Thanksgiving. She does the purple dance on every single pull and is healed for 7,490 hp’s every time. The Quon says “fetch” and she’s off like a shot. The Quon says “ouch” and she’s got him in her arms nestled all snug up in her grill like The Quon was a baby again and shit. The Quon says kill and she goes all bitchcakes on whatever The Quon wants dead. But that’s a phucking dream and The Quon knows it.
The reality is that most warriors have got 5 brain cells and 4 of those are fighting over which one gets to beat the shit out the other 1, who’s giggling, drooling and playing with himself over in the corner. When one of The Quons in-bred cousins stays over and begs The Quon to let him try EQ, what class does The Quon make him play? You know it. The Quons all like “put down the banjo and walk over to that orc and hit that button. Do that FOR-FUCKING-EVER. Boooya, now you’re Cletus, Champion of Norrath, biatch.”
The Quons healing strategy for Warriors: No hating here. The Big Heal Bomb was made for this shit. But you’d better come correct with the equipment. Don’t make The Quon feel like he’s over healing. Cause The Quon has no qualms about busting out Supernal Elixir on your ass and broadcasting his heal message to the whole zone AND your guild boss. “Supernal Elixir for this weak ass 62 Warrior cause The Big Heal Bomb is a phucking waste…”
Necros — These cats bug The Quon worse than the crotch crabs he got from that time he dropped a Felwithe Steamer into that shit-ass nasty crapper in the Grobb Warrior’s Guild. Everybody can picture the asshat behind the keyboard playing these maladjusted spank-off artists. He’s that spoiled only child, who’s parents were like 50 and shit when they squirted him out. He always had the coolest toys but couldn’t tolerate anyone else phuckin’ around with them so he sat alone in his room playing Air Hockey all by himself and telling himself that he was the coolest and better off alone and shit.
Give The Quon a phuckin’ break. You Necros solo’d around for 3 years, turning your nose up at grouping cause you could, basically playing your own separate game. And now you come groveling to PoP, all “What up! I love me some groupin’!” and shiat. Necros give their gimped grouping skills away in the first 10 minutes every time though. They’re the only ones in the group talking with /say instead of /group. Cracks The Quon up every time. And there’s nothing funnier than a Necro in a PoJ Trials group. You should feel guilty looting the mark because you know all you did was pump out mana and quiver against the wall trying not to aggro anything.
And another thing, when you /ooc LFG to a zone, don’t lie about all the shit you can do for The Quons group. Ghetto Crowd control…Mana Regen…Healing. Enough with that shit. Twitch mothaphucka, Twitch. Let’s dig on the skillz that Necros have been laying down all these years. Make pet. Fear mob. Sic pet on mob. Dot. That’s some fun shit yo. I take that back, there is one other spell that The Quon likes. It’s Dead Man Floating, cause the bobbing up and down makes The Quon feel like he is pumping a little WoodElf Scootie. Speaking of pumpin’, The Quon has got to admit that necro chicks are some phreaaky biatches when it comes to cyber. Shit, when The Quon feels like getting nasty, he just strolls on over to Neriak, gives out a /shout “The Quon is here, biatches gather”, and The Quon just lays back and soaks up the blue luvin yo. Sometimes he throws some salt on the back of his DE Necro Honie of choice and pretends he’s launching his shuttle into deep space.
By the way, The Quon sends an e-mail to Sony every phuckin’ day asking them to make the Katta guards, shit, all guards, have a zone wide agro on these corpse phuckers that even FD won’t wash away. The Quon still remembers the times as a young’un when he was limping to the guards for a little help and not phuckin’ making it cause some clownshoes Necro is kiting them around the zone.
The Quons Healing Strategy for Necros – None. Root and scoot biatch. Sit in the corner and hump roadkill till you feel better.
Wizards – /Nuke…First Aggro : 300mana
/Nuke…Second Aggro : 400 mana
/Nuke…Wizard corpse : Priceless
The Quon prays to himself everyday that every single mob these phucks solo would magically wake up tomorrow with the gift of Summon. That would be hella sweet. All at once, Norrath would be filled with the deafening sounds of your collective screams and the sound of The Quon giggling his ass off.
The Quons favorite pastime as of late is to pop into Maidens Eye, cause that’s where these phucktards quad kite en masse, and /shout “Paying 10k for a Team Manaburn on Ragefire.” And then 10 seconds later, /shout “Oh snap! The Quon forgot you choads don’t have that anymore. Forget The Quon said anything. Peace.” It’s hella fun and never gets old.
Root, Nuke, DS…whatever. Your job in The Quons group is to toss a nuke or 2 out and evac when The Quon wants some White Castle. Don’t get fancy. Don’t say shit. Don’t ever, ever ask The Quon for a buff. If you get in on a BoA? You’re a lucky mothaphucka. Don’t push it by bugging me for spell haste. Shake off my Aego for a shitcan Druid buff? Then you forfeit all heals. May as well gate out now. The Quon remembers a day when you could actually tell when old Merlin had cast a nuke, you could see the Mob’s health bar take a substantial hit. Now, Wizards are about as lethal as a paper cut. The Quon’s advice to Wizards is to TL back to level 29 where you had at least the power of a double A battery.
The Quons Healing Strategy for Wizards – Are you getting beat down in the middle of evac? The Quon will take care of you. Otherwise? You best be shadowsteppin your ass off cause you don’t get heal mothaphuckin one from the MC.
Shaman – These buttcorks used to be the quiet little brother of the Priest family. All respectful and shit and washing the stains out of The Quons drawers for brownie points. Then Slow became the shiznit and all the sudden these phucks are trying to knock off Clerics as the king pope among Priests. The Quon says bring that shit on. You Shammies wanna fight? Stick your head up The Quons ass and fight for air. The big battle is already over though, by the way. You lost. And the Druids didn’t even get to the Arena. They got disqualified when the judges found a gallon of The Quons Sow Potion in their stomachs. The Quon was in a PoV group just last night when the following words were dropped cause he had to leave. “Well let’s call it then. I don’t feel like winging it with Druid or Shammy heals”. A big phat word booty to that. Seriously, Shammies heal like a lvl 24 Druid with Epilepsy.
And Canni. The Quon doesn’t care how cool that shit is, under no circumstance will The Quons mana be considered less important than a Shammies. Most Shammies are all like “Well don’t heal me then. I’ll just Torpor.” Well duh mothaphucka. You wanna eat your own asses till you get low health agro and die? Tight. The Quon cares not.
And don’t get The Quon started on Slow agro. When The Quon drops The Big Heal Bomb, he’s prepared to receive affection from a hard, pipe hitting mothaphucka. The Quon accepts this like an MC cause that’s what The Quon is. Shammies get Slow agro and you’d think they were playing Duck, Duck, Mothaphuckin Goose or some shit. When The Quon designs his MMORPG, he’s gonna give Shammies a special animation when they run. Their arms are gonna wave around in the air and their mouth is gonna be wide open like they’re screaming. The Quon doesn’t care if they’re just running to sell. They’ll run flailing and screaming like my little sister does when I rip the heads off her Malibu Stacys.
The Quon’s Healing Strategy for Shaman – An occasional Celestial if it’s a Female Barbarian. Male Shaman? You’d have better luck getting your bear animation to shit in the woods than get a heal from the MC.
Monk – The Quon figures there’s gotta be a questionaire that pops up when you start a Monk. If it determines that you’re over 14 then you don’t get to be a Monk. And when you turn 16, a red light starts flashing on your Monks hand rendering FD useless, so these asshats all go start Shammies. Seriously, you know the average age of Monks in RL is about 9, cause they are always up in your grill with links to their uber weapons, stories about how their guild took down the Sleeper and shit, and then leave the group with a quickness when Mommie comes home. In The Quon’s MMORPG there will be no Dragon Punches and Roundhouse kicks. Your special abilities will align more properly with Monk personalities. Eunich Slap, Groin Grab and Compare, Whirling Limp Wrist, and your ultra Class defining ability the Ball Gag of Death (self only). Also, no longer will FD have you laying on the ground all peaceful and shit while the Mob stands around wondering what to do. Nope, in The Quon’s game every time you FD, your ass will be raised up all nice and high so the Mob can proceed to treat you with proper respect. When the Mob is finished, it will shout Booyyah! and strike a match off your bare ass to light up a smoke. The best part is when your toon finally makes it back to camp it will have a little tear roll down the cheek like that sad old Indian from the trash commercial.
And don’t get The Quon going on lazy Monks that bring adds. If we’re getting adds then you just got sloppy and you better have Complete Mend loaded up for yourself. Oh? That doesn’t exist? Well then you’re fuxxored. And don’t try to FD on inc. The Quon will load light healing and keep you up and dying till he’s laughing so hard he stains his drawers and has to have a Shammie clean em out again.
And Female Monks? FD on The Quons lap with a quickness. He’ll let you know when it’s clear to get up.
The Quon’s Healing Strategy for Monks – The Quon will spend just enough mana to keep your sphincter from bleeding all over The Quon’s camp.
The Quon out

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