It might go a little like this. But what if the Avengers were talking about it, or it was being reviewed by Siskel & Ebert? Keep reading!
Dear Abby,
I have been playing Star Ocean: The Divine Force, and I have a problem. I’m in love with a robot.
I know, I know. I’m not supposed to fall in love with robots. I’m supposed to fall in love with a man. A man who is a space pirate and who crashed his escape pod at my feet.
This robot, that I’m in love with, is also a man. I know, because he told me so. But he’s a robot. I can’t love him. I’m supposed to fall in love with Raymond, the space pirate.
But I can’t. I try, but I can’t.
Abby, I love this robot. I don’t know why. He’s a robot. But he makes my heart melt and my face smile, like a good man is supposed to do. And he has a very nice smile.
I know, I know. He’s a robot. But I love him.
I wish I could be with him. But I can’t. I’m the daughter of the king of the Humans, and he’s a robot. I’m not supposed to fall in love with robots.
But I do. I love him, Abby. What am I supposed to do?
Desperate in Elencia
Dear Desperate in Elencia,
I’m sorry to hear that you are in love with a robot. While it is understandable that you are drawn to him because he makes you feel happy and he has a nice smile, you have to remember that he is not a real man. He is a machine and, as such, cannot give you the same type of love and companionship that you would experience with a human being.
If you truly want to be happy, you need to find a way to move on from this robot and focus your attentions on finding a real man to love. I know it will be difficult, but if you can do it, you will be much better off in the long run.
But wait, what if it was a discussion among the Avengers?
Thor: By Odin’s Beard, the fighting in Star Ocean is such as to please the very gods themselves! To die in glorious battle, to let the Valkyrie carry us to the halls of Valhalla, there to await the Allfather’s call to battle! Such is the combat and the combos have I found in this game!
Captain America: Well, I don’t understand such fancy talk, but maybe a kid from Brooklyn can appreciate how the simple love between a space pirate and a runaway princess can change the world. Reminded me of back in the war, when I’d…
Black Widow: Da, quite interesting, tovarich. However, ze plot is, how you say, not memorable? I tink, every JRPG I play, it ze same ting. Pretty princess. Handsome pirate. Animal mascot, da?
Thor: I would not judge this game by its demo alone. The tale has only just begun to be spun, and I for one am eager to see where it goes. Besides, the princess is quite fair, is she not? And the combat is most excellent!
Black Widow: You are both mad. But, I suppose, in different ways. Zat is good. Zey say zat variety is za spice of life, da?
Captain America: Well, I’m just happy to have something to take my mind off of things. It’s been a tough year, what with the pandemic and all.
Thor: Aye, that it has. But perhaps this game can provide a welcome respite from the trials of the world. At least for a little while.
Captain America: They never did show us the bad guys, you know? The Nazis. The guys we’re supposed to punch. They destroyed Raymond’s ship. And I know he’s going to be looking for revenge.
Black Widow: Is zis game about Nazis?
Captain America: No, I don’t think so. But, you know, it’s worth keeping an eye out for. Nazis come in all shapes and sizes, you know. Sometimes they don’t even know they’re Nazis.
Thor: Mjolnir knows. When I twirl my mighty hammer and set it loose, it does not come back until it is covered with the blood of evildoers.
Black Widow: Dis remind me of the time back in Kazakhstan when I… well, dat story for when I have more vodka. Come, Captain America, tell me of the plot to this game.
Captain America: Well, like I said, it’s about a space pirate and a runaway princess. They crash land on a planet and have to find a way back to her kingdom. Along the way, they’ll have to fight bad guys, solve puzzles, and maybe even save the world.
Black Widow: Zis all sound very cliche.
Captain America: Yeah, but sometimes cliches can be fun. Besides, I’m sure there’s more to it than that. We’ll just have to wait and see.
Thor: The gods themselves tire of cutscenes. Tell me, is there battle to be found?
Black Widow: Yes, quite a lot of battle. The combat is very action packed and fast paced. You have to disable enemies with different effects and use surprise attacks and critical hits.
Captain America: And there’s this flying drone thing called DUMA that you can use to fly around the battlefield and shoot at enemies. It’s really cool.
Thor: By Odin’s beard! This game is sounding more and more excellent by the moment! I shall have to try it myself.
Black Widow: Perhaps I also try. If for no other reason than to prove you both wrong.
If Siskel & Ebert reviewed games
Siskel: Star Ocean: The Divine Force is a fast-paced, action-packed RPG with a lot of systems to learn. The combat is engaging and the world is interesting. The demo is too short to really get a feel for the story, but what little there is there is intriguing. I recommend giving the demo a try, if you have a PS5.
Ebert: I didn’t connect with the game at all. Maybe it was because I was playing an entry in the series on the PS2, but I just couldn’t get into it. The demo was too short for me to really get a feel for the story, and what little there was didn’t interest me. The combat system seemed interesting, but I didn’t have enough time to really get into it and learn all the different systems.
Siskel: One of the things I found interesting was the relationship dynamics between the different characters. You have the space pirate who crash lands on the planet, the magic princess who he meets, and her bodyguard. There’s clearly a lot of potential there for interesting stories and character interactions.
Ebert: I didn’t really get a sense of that from the demo. It seemed like it was mostly about the combat.
Siskel: That’s true, the combat is a big part of the game. But I think there’s potential for more than just that. I’m curious to see how the story develops and how the relationships between the characters change over time. I thought the graphics were really good on the PS5.
Ebert: Yeah, they are. The world looks really detailed and interesting.
Siskel: I especially like the way the different characters are designed. They all look really unique and have a lot of personality.
Ebert: Yeah, I agree. The design work is really impressive.
Siskel: I recommend giving the demo a try, if you have a PS5. I’m curious to see how the story develops and I think the combat system has a lot of potential.
Ebert: I didn’t connect with the game at all. I didn’t find the story or the combat system particularly interesting. Next up, we’ll be reviewing the new game from the developers of Star Fox, Star Fox: Guardians.
Siskel: I’m looking forward to that. I’m a big fan of the Star Fox series.
Just for fun, I put my Star Ocean review into GPT-3 and asked it to rewrite it as a Dear Abby column, and it is what you see here, no edits. Pretty sure Desperate in Elencia is in the wrong game, though. She sounds confused.
