Deanna: Hey, DM... got a moment?I have a mixed relationship with our D&D campaign’s Discord. When everyone in the group is chatting and laughing and talking about that time when they beat the orc bandits with charades, or they’re plotting how to take down that carrion crawler that has been thinning out the farmer’s herd, it’s great. I look forward to writing up the next adventure, and honestly, I get more ideas from their ideas than I can handle.
But then there’s the people who just “show up” and have to be prodded to do anything more than just roll dice. Deanna’s like that. She’s the healer for the party, and so everyone else is just happy when she does show… but they’ve all got a couple of bottles of “Vinod’s Vial of Vigorous Healing” in their backpacks, just in case. New Vinod’s franchises seem to be popping up in every random village and crossroads. They do a heck of a business. And it’s because Deanna — just doesn’t show.
I figured she was going to bow out again. I appreciated that she was going to let me know, this time.
Me: Sure, what's up?
Deanna: I've been reading about the Bastion rules in the new Unearthed Arcana. Do you know about those?The “Bastions” rules described a mechanism where a player whose character had reached at least level 5 could set up a home somewhere. The whole idea was a way to siphon money from the characters in return for some meager rewards. Wizards of the Coast really showed their hand when they had “a gold sink” listed there right in the furnishing price table. It cost 10 pieces of platinum. They could at least have priced it in gold.
Me: The group already has the hideout in Waterdeep that you kicked the Wererat King out from.
Deanna: Really? Oh, that must have been when I couldn't come because of the American Idol finals. No, I was thinking a place... just for me. I could have a herb garden.
Me: You could grow spell components, make healing potions, all sorts of stuff.
Deanna: Definitely! And I could decorate it real nice!
She pasted a picture into the chat of a collage she’d made. It looked like she’d hit Pinterest up pretty hard. The collage was a jumble of disconnected furniture, crazy wallpapers, every kind of labor saving device, none of it looking like anything you would ever actually see in a fantasy setting. It looked a tornado had hit a Goodwill and just left every chair in the parking lot.
I looked through the rules, but it didn’t look like they had any sections dealing with “Mid-century thrift store discoveries”. Still, who am I to judge? My room is filled with stacks of video games and stuffed Gen 1 Pokémon. I have the super rare Burger King toys from the nineties, and… well, back to Deanna.
Me: Um, sure, it sounds like a great idea. The rules say you can have a one-room cottage, anywhere you like. We can put a herb garden in there with your choice of herbs. Furniture and extra rooms cost more, though.
Deanna: Oh, that's okay. Can I have my cottage in Honeywood?Honeywood was a relatively safe village not far off of the main road to Waterdeep. It would be close to the group’s actual base.
Me: We can put it right on the path from the marketplace to the commons. Lots of foot traffic to sell your herbs. You can even hire a local to tend your garden and sell your herbs while you're away adventuring?
Deanna: Oh, no, I don't think I'll need anyone to help.I didn’t think anything of that until people started showing up in chat for the session. Deanna even logged in early. The other players joked that I’d hired a paid actor to play the part of Deanna. Just joking around. Deanna didn’t react, but she was always quiet on chat.
I began to set the scene.
The farmer finds you gathering your things in the inn’s common room. He is panicking and breathing heavily; exhausted from running and scared out of his mind. “The carrion crawler is back — and now there’s two of them!”, he shouts, when he’s caught his breath. It looks like the mortal wound you gave the crawler last week just split it in two instead of killing it. What will you do?
The group discussed tactics. Setting some bait and then light them up with fireballs seemed like the best plan to them. I had a little surprise for them if they tried that, though.
Deanna: You guys go on ahead. Rabbits are after my herbs and I can't leave them just now.I explained about Deanna’s “bastion”. Everyone was a little confused. The group, sans their cleric, went off to the farmer and dealt with the carrion crawlers and managed to avoid the poison geyser I’d thoughtfully left them. All the time, Deanna would break into chat with news about the rabbits she was fighting and how she thought there was a deer out there in the shadows, just waiting for her to crack.
After, I was asked in a direct message why Deanna had even logged in at all? It was a good question. I didn’t have a good answer.
Deanna pinged me a couple of hours before the next week’s session, wanting to discuss floor plans.
Deanna: I need a drying room for the herbs. Would the money I got from selling them this past week be enough?
Me: Don't you think you should get some furniture? Your character's just been sitting on the floor all week! There aren't any furniture stores in Honeywood, but maybe in Waterdeep, where the rest of the party is?
Deanna: No, I couldn't possibly. The nightshade is about to bloom. It has to be harvested at twilight!
Me: I see. I don't want to spoil things, but I think I can spoil tonight's adventure a little bit. The Wererat King has been sighted, and if you find him in his new lair, you might be able to deal with him once and for all.
Deanna: Well, I don't like rats too much. I think I will just stay in my cottage.
Me: Sure. But when the party drove him out of his lair, the one thing that you all didn't find among the rubble -- was his throne.
Deanna: Throne?
Me: Wererats get everywhere. They say the Wererat King got his throne from the money counting room of one of the Lords of Waterdeep. I've heard it was masterfully crafted of the deepest mahogany and upholstered with royal purple cushions... it would look wonderful in your cottage. Just saying.
Deanna: This sounds like a bribe.
Me: Did I mention the mother of pearl inlays?Of course it was a bribe. But it worked. When the party confronted the Wererat King in his sewer lair, Deanna was right there, slinging spells and lashing out with her silver mace. They strapped that throne on the top of the pack mule and Deanna rode in it all the way back to town.
She shows up to every session, now. Her cottage is a going concern in Honeywood, and she has three helpers to keep the deer and rabbits away and tend the garden. She just had another addition put in, and she’s thinking of breaking into leatherworking. She’s never had to buy a single item of furniture. It’s strange how every goblin cave or bandit camp has an end table or a standing mirror or an armoire which just needs a bit of love. Deanna never asks for loot. Just the furniture.
She’ll sell you some fine pieces, maybe, for the right price. But that Wererat King throne? Not for sale. Never. That stays by its spot by the fire.
