General

The first two chapters of a story set about five years from now in an MMO called The Plaza. Feel free to critique it. I’ll finish it (it’s short) if there’s interest. First chapter before the break and the second after.
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Demons of Erayniel by Brenda Holloway
Lightning flashed theatrically behind the castle, thunder crashing lazily through the hills. It was always dark here, and nearly always about to rain. The Romanians who sold us this adventure had a macabre sense of humor about their famous little province, from the horrified villagers in a painstakingly recreated medieval Sighisoara, to the thick, damp forest crowding the muddy road, to the suddenly too-near howls of a wolf pack on the hunt.
The faint sounds of the clock tower from the village tolled the hour. I urged the horses forward and let a servant bring them to the stables, rushed to the entrance gate just as the first fat drops began to fall.
Banked fire glowed from the massive fireplace that dominated the room, leaving the edges in shadow. Drear music played – not one of my pieces. It was one Jun had liked. He was always moody.
The night we’d fought our way to the castle had been one of our good nights, the ones that paid for all the sullen times when he’d shut himself away, silent, unapproachable. He’d gone ahead, Ra’s light shining from his staff as his herd of vicious goats kept the wolves at bay, while I shot the dazed bats and vampires with my blessed bow. We found later that we were supposed to have roused the villagers to help us with their torches and pitchforks, but we’d slipped away from the priest’s tedious ceremony mid-prayer.
Jun blazed like a star as we fought our way, side by side, down through the endless tunnels and cellars, his goats as much a danger as the undead as they blocked the passage ahead and our retreat behind. We found the boss vampire in his lair, Ra-light and ferocious goats keeping him from reaching us with his deadly fangs until I sunk one pure arrow of ancient mahogany into his chest.
We found the deed to this castle in his coffin, copied it excitedly to our own private shard. We were never happier than that moment.
When we split two months later, I got the house, but he got the kids.

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