A few days ago, I interviewed Mario for his thoughts on Princess Toadstool, Bowser, and Wario. I posted that conversation on Elekk.xyz. I’m going back to the well here to help AI spin a tale of an unusual love…
CHARACTERS
- MARIO, a plumber with a large moustache, player character in the Super Mario games. Mario loves Princess Toadstool.
- BOWSER, a large turtle-like dinosaur who steals princesses and is defeated by Mario. Bowser loves Princess Toadstool.
- THE PRINCESS, also known as Princess Zelda, Princess Toadstool, and Princess Daphne. The Princess loves Bowser.
- LINK, an elf warrior who wears a green cap and is proficient with many weapons. Link loves Princess Zelda.
- DIRK THE DARING, a human, armored warrior who dies quite often. Dirk loves Princess Daphne.
After fighting his way through BOWSER’S castle, MARIO finds BOWSER and PRINCESS TOADSTOOL hugging and kissing in the deepest room of the castle.
Mario: What the-? Princess Toadstool, what are you doing with Bowser?
Princess Toadstool: Oh, Mario! I didn’t see you there.
Bowser: This is none of your business, plumber! The princess and I are in love!
Mario: In love? With Bowser? That’s disgusting!
Princess Toadstool: Mario, please, try to understand. Bowser is different than he used to be. He’s changed since we’ve been together.
Bowser: The princess is right, Mario. I’m not the monster you think I am. I would never hurt her.
Mario: This is just too much. I can’t believe it!
Princess Toadstool: Mario, please try to be happy for us. We’re in love and nothing is going to change that.
Mario starts preparing a fireball. Princess Toadstool runs to stand in the way.
Princess Toadstool: Mario, no!
Mario: Get out of the way, Princess. I’m going to put a stop to this right now!
Princess Toadstool: You can’t hurt Bowser! I won’t let you!
Bowser starts edging toward the back of the room, where can be seen an enormous door. Princess Toadstool’s attention is still focused on Mario.
Mario: Princess Toadstool, move!
Princess Toadstool: No, Mario, I won’t let you hurt him!
Mario: Fine. Have it your way.
Mario begins to throw the fireball at Princess Toadstool as BOWSER escapes through the door. A boomerang flies at Mario’s hands from offstage. Mario yells and grabs at his hand. LINK steps out onto the stage as he catches the returning boomerang. * in the original version, Mario did incinerate Princess Toadstool. I decided to have someone step in.
Link: Hey! Leave the princess alone!
Mario: Link! What are you doing here?
Link: I heard PRINCESS ZELDA was in trouble and came as fast as I could. Now let’s get out of here before Bowser comes back!
Princess Toadstool: No! I’m not going anywhere with you, Link. I’m staying here with Bowser.
Link: Princess, what are you saying? You can’t stay here with him! He’s a monster!
Princess Toadstool: No, he’s not. He’s changed. I love him and he loves me. We’re going to be happy together.
Mario: Princess Toadstool, you can’t be serious! Come with us and we’ll get you out of here. Bowser is just using you!
Princess Toadstool: No, Mario. I don’t believe you. Bowser is the one for me and that’s final!
MARIO and LINK advance upon the Princess, each grabbing at one of her arms.
Princess Toadstool: Let go of me! I’m not going with you!
Bowser (offstage): Princess!
Princess Toadstool: Bowser! Help me!
DIRK THE DARING enters. Dirk is carrying a large sword. (I realized that a lot of classic videogame heroes were rescuing princesses. What if they were all the same princess?)
Dirk: Let go of the princess, you ruffians!
Link: Dirk! What are you doing here?
Dirk: I heard PRINCESS DAPHNE was in trouble and came as fast as I could. Get out of here now, before Bowser comes back!
Mario: Dirk, we don’t have time for this! We need to get the princess out of here now!
Dirk: The princess is staying with Bowser. She loves him and he loves her. They’re going to be happy together.
Princess Toadstool: That’s right, Mario. You need to accept that Bowser and I are in love and there’s nothing you can do about it.
Bowser enters, carrying a comically large hammer. He shakes it threateningly at MARIO and LINK.
Bowser: There you are, my love! I was getting worried about you.
Princess Toadstool: Oh, Bowser! I’m so glad you’re here!
Mario: Princess Toadstool, don’t do this! You’re making a mistake!
Princess Toadstool: Goodbye, Mario. I’ll never forget you.
Bowser: Come on, my love. Let’s go home.
Mario, Link, and Dirk watch as Bowser and Princess Toadstool walk offstage together.
Mario: This can’t be happening!
Link: I’m sorry, Mario. There’s nothing we can do. She’s in love with him and there’s nothing we can do to change that.
Mario: Maybe so, but I don’t believe I thanked you for wounding me with that boomerang of yours!
Mario moves menacingly toward LINK.
Link: Uh oh!
Dirk: Stop it, you two! This isn’t helping the situation!
Mario and Link ignore Dirk as they begin to fight. Dirk sighs and exits the stage.
The sound of wedding bells is heard offstage. Mario looks stunned as he watches Bowser and Princess Toadstool walk back onstage, hand in hand, wearing wedding clothes. They smile at each other and share a kiss as the curtain falls.
